All posts by pnwgirl1963

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About pnwgirl1963

My dad died, and now so did my mom. It feels odd being an orphan. Life isn't ever going to be the same, and so I'm going to do what I always do when I'm working through something hard- I write about it.

Diane ” Dee ” Evelyn Engel

Death

Diane Evelyn Engel (Dee to her friends) 85, went home to join the love of her life, our dad “Chuck” on November 3rd, 2021 after a fierce battle with cancer.

You may have not known Diane but we can guarantee you everyone needs a Diane in their lives 🙂

Diane was born February 22, 1936 in Port Angeles, Washington to Roy and Faye (McNeill) Kemp. She attended Roosevelt High School, graduating in 1953, and went on to attend business school in Port Angeles, and later working at the Logging Bureau in Tacoma, Washington.

In the fall of 1956 while driving with her parents she looked into the rear view mirror and saw a crazy fool on a motor cycle, no helmet, with a goofy smile on his face, and with arms folded. That crazy fool was our dad! They would meet later and then the love affair of the century was off to the races.

On April 18, 1958 Diane married her one and only Charles Lee Engel making their first home in Belfair, Washington. They would go on raising their family together for the next 58 years.

What can we tell you about our mom?

We could honestly fill volumes remembering and talking about our mother who was the beloved focal point of our family. All the words in the world could not adequately describe how amazing she was.

The first thought that comes to mind about our mom is she loved our dad more than life itself, and was his partner for almost 60 years. However, the love she had for her children, grandchildren and great grand daughter was limitless and knew no bounds.

Diane treasured her family, she loved being a homemaker and raising her children. She loved being with them, around them, and embraced every moment with them. She was our cheerleader, counselor, advocate, and number one supporter.

She especially loved being Nanna to Joshua, Ashley, Nicholas, Abigail, and Blakely.

Generous of spirit, our mom was the kindest person on the planet. Quick with a smile, or a funny story, Mom could make you laugh without even trying.

Our mom loved numbers and information—so much so that bookkeeping and accounting were the mainstays of her life. For many years Diane worked tirelessly as an accountant at the Alderbrook Inn, Frank Murphy & Sons, and for PVED an Oregon based non profit, working right up until the very end—she did not know what the word retirement meant!

While Diane was raising her family she loved to sew, and could be found late at night burning the midnight oil sewing clothes for her children. She was also an avid knitter, an expert at crochet, creating all kinds of beautiful hand made items.

A great cook and an accomplished baker, you could find Diane in the kitchen quite often whipping up delicious batches of apple cake, or oodles and oodles of cookies, bars, and her glorious bread that she shared filling the belly’s of many.

When we think of Mom we can’t help but smile as we remember the things that she enjoyed most, crossword puzzles, music, her iPad, politics (oh my God the politics!), jigsaw puzzles, movies, laughing, ice cream, Robert Redford, being surrounded by her family, Christmas and buttermilk!

Diane cherished four very special girlfriends that have been steadfast, her partners in crime, and by her side through thick and thin. Marna, (whom her eldest daughter is named after) Trudy, Eleanor, and Helen. These ladies have loved, supported, and stood by our mom for many years. Our mother loved all of these ladies very very much, and held them close to her heart.

Diane is survived by her children, daughter Marna and son-in-law Manny Gatlin of Portland, Oregon; daughter Lisa and son-in-law David Carr of Kent, Washington; son Cris and daughter-in-law Stephanie Engel, of Ankeny, Iowa; grandchildren, Joshua, Ashley, Nicholas, Blakely, and great granddaughter Abigail. Nephew Chad Kemp and Niece Margaret Kemp, their children, Hartley Kemp, Sarah Tsakhniv. Niece Cathleen Booth and nephew Christopher Booth, and their children Madeleine, Alexandra, and Emma Booth. Last, but not least, Diane held a special place in her heart for her bonus daughter, Elizabeth (“Only”) Julum, of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma.

We will remember fondly our mother’s smile, her warmth, her energy, her love, her zest for life, her adoration of her family and friends. There won’t be a day that goes by that we won’t think about her, cherish her memory, and miss her so very much.

We love you to the moon and back, Mom. Marna, Lisa, and Cris your brass band.

Year Four 01/20/2020

Death

Dear Dad –

I am writing this in the dark shaking my head as I look at the date. It doesn’t seem fathomable that you’ve been gone 4 years. There have been so many changes since you’ve left us and then there are so many things that have remained the same.

I know I miss you. I know mom, Lisa, and Cris miss you. I know Nick and Manny miss you. We all miss you.

I wish I had something meaningful, poignant, or deep to say to you but seriously, I got nothin. Only that I love you dad.

I hope you had the best seat in the house in heaven.

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You would’ve loved it dad.  More importantly, you would love her.  We all love her.  She’s amazing.  She’s genuine.  She’s down to earth.   She’s funny.   She’s as beautiful as she is kind.  Speaking of kind -She’s kind, so very kind.   She loves mom, and she’s so good to mom.  She’s truly like a sister and that feels incredible.  It’s like she’s always been a part of our family – and a lot of the time I forget that you didn’t have the opportunity to meet her .  Most importantly, he loves her to the moon and back. They complete each other like two puzzle pieces, like peas and carrots, like bacon and eggs, like the ying and the yang.  I haven’t seen your boy this happy in decades.  There’s a sense of peace, tranquility –  they are truly soulmates.  Yes dad you would’ve loved it.

 

 

2 years. 8 months. 17 days.

Death

Dear Dad,

I haven’t written you a letter in a really long time. I’m not sure why. In fact, I haven’t written you since Father’s Day. I had all good intentions to write you on your birthday but then I remembered you hated your birthday, and you never wanted it to be at knowledged. So if you didn’t want it acknowledge in life, I don’t know why you’d want to acknowledge and death.

In January 2019 it will be three years since we last saw you, heard your voice, kissed your face, held your hand, Or felt the essence of you through your spirit.

I don’t think anybody could have prepared me for what being without a father is really like, or what it would have be like. Regardless of how much we argued, fought, or locked horns, I was still your daughter and I now know how much you loved me and how much I loved you.

Things are hard right now dad. Things have been really hard since May 2015. And I don’t really understand why. Maybe there really is no reason why. Maybe it’s just the way it is. Maybe we caused it. Maybe it’s karma. Maybe it’s preparing us for something really big, or really bad. I don’t really know – I just know that we have had our share of frustration, sadness and sorrow – enough to last a lifetime and we just are begging for some relief. I do know that if you were alive you would tell me that all of this too shall pass. You would tell me that we cannot stress about those things we cannot control. You could also tell me that things would work out and sometimes we just need to let things soak. And even though you’re not here to talk to thinking about what you tell me gives me some small amount of comfort because reality is we don’t know what our future holds. We hope to God that things are turning around for us but really we don’t know.

Winter is coming dad. This was the time of year that you predicted your death and you were right. I’ve never liked winter. I have always feared it, even as a child I figured winter and maybe I knew in the back of my mind that winter would be the time that you would transition to another place and die. We have mom, and she still going strong. I just pray and hope that she stays healthy and we have her for at least another 10 years. You be so proud of her dad, she’s doing so well, and believe it or not she’s in a good place.

I love you dad. We all love you dad. And we miss you so very very much

Father’s Day 2018 …

Death

img_7374

This is my dad. If he were still alive he be 82 in August.

We had such a complicated relationship he and I. It was almost a love/hate/love relationship. As much as I denied it I was a daddy’s girl. However, I always ran into arms of my mother because my dad was such a tough nut to crack. There were times in our life that my dad and I just despised to one another. But at the end of the day we love each other fiercely.

I just missed him today – actually, I miss him every day.

Day 746 but who’s counting.

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Dear Dad – I’m late in regards to writing to you, and for that I’m so sorry. I don’t even know if you read this, but in the off chance that you do place know I do think about you a lot. I just always voice it.

So much has happened over the past two years that it’s hard to keep straight and articulate.

Lots and lots of loss.

Loss of friendship, jobs, family members, opportunities, relationships, pride, health, control, confidence, and self respect to name a few. The list goes on and on and on.

I know that I am exhausted mentally and physically in regards to all of the loss. It’s been occurring since June 2015 – I don’t know how much more a family should have to suffer. And frankly, I’m afraid to even think about it because I don’t think I can bear one more thing.

Or- maybe, just maybe this is just the way it is, I’m just noticing it, and I need to suck it up because huge loss like this is just part of the world in which we live in.

I will say that two years out since you have departed planet earth things at least from my perspective have gotten a little easier. I still miss you horribly. But I don’t have that gut wrenching – oh my God – I don’t think I can get through another day pain that I did when you first died. It’s been replaced with a longing of sorts. Still wanting to make sure things are right between us but trusting you know that I loved you to the ends of the earth. And if the universe works like I think it might – you know my thoughts because you can feel them, and there is such a fine line that separates those of us walking the earth and those if us who have departed earth – I just can’t help but think you know how we feel inside about those we love.

Mom is doing really well – I’m really proud of her. She is thriving dad. She’s busy, she’s surrounded by her kids, and while she misses the hell out of you, I think she’s relatively happy. And that’s all we can ask for. Every day with her is a gift.

So dad- we are living life. I wish I could say we are living life to the full list but you know what – that’s our deal. And I’m working on it. And I love you. And please don’t ever forget that.

You hated Christmas so why do I care?

Death

Hey Dad – This is the second Christmas without you on planet earth. I’m not sure why this such a hard day for me because if truth be told you really hated Christmas.

You were never really the dad that got excited about decorations or presents, the music or any other Christmas type stuff – and you certainly wouldn’t be caught dead going to a church service. You went through the motions for mom and the rest of the family. But for a myriad of reasons of your own you never really loved it and I get it.

So why is it bugging me so much that you’re not here to celebrate something you didn’t really like?

I just miss you I guess.

Merry Christmas Dad. Merry Christmas.

If your dad died…

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If your dad died I just want to say to you I’m just so sorry. Really I am but the truth is there are no good words that are going to help you right now or bring you comfort, because frankly regardless of what kind of relationship you had with your dad – when your father dies it just fucking sucks.

My dad died January 20th, 2016. We knew this day would come we just didn’t expect it to be that soon I guess – but really are you ever prepared for the death of a parent? I know I wasn’t.

I used to think that moving into your own place, buying your first car, getting married, having a child, your first job – all of those things are all about being a grown-up. However, I don’t really think I became a true grown up until I lost a parent. I had so many what the fuck moments after my dad died that it’s impossible to keep track of all of them now.

My father‘s death was complicated. Maybe not so much for him – I believe he died very peacefully without struggle. At least I was told he didn’t appear to have struggled, and looked very peaceful in death.

For me what was complicated was that I don’t feel like everything that needed to be said was in fact said. I think that when I reflect upon his death there were a lot of things that were left unsaid. And I hope he’s not struggling with that piece of this like I am.

So what am I left with now? He’s dead and there’s not a goddamn thing I can do about it. I just hope wherever he is he is at peace, he’s happy, and loving himself.

Life goes on for those who are left and what’s my blowing is how fast the time goes by at least for me – I can’t speak for my mom or my siblings.

There are things that I’m starting to forget which makes me very sad – like the way he sounded when he said my name. Or the way he used to call me number one from Star Trek. The way he smelled – he was old school and he wore aqua Velva and in the days that he smoked the combination of aqua Velva and cigarette smoke with just so my dad.

Our family is very different now – I wouldn’t have admitted it or year ago but now that we are going on your two I feel comfortable in saying that our family dud not disintegrate, fall apart, or become disenfranchised. We have all come together as a solid unit cleaving to one another and it’s been incredible.

I sometimes wonder if my dad is sad about that. And I hope he’s not.

But if your dad has died today again I’m really sorry and I’m just gonna prepare you for some really sad days ahead – lots of time for reflection – a lot of tears on those first birthdays, holidays and other important days that you will be remembering your dad on. But I’m going to tell you there is another side to this – and you’ll get to it. It does get better – you’ll always remember him regardless if he was the son of a bitch or not – but he was still your dad. And it’s really OK to love and miss him.

20 months. Is that even possible.

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Dad- I feel like an asshole. I promised myself and you that I’d write here regularly. I didn’t want to forget. I wanted to remember. But like most things in my life the idea is great but the follow through isn’t always fabulous. You know those good intentions.

If I’m being honest – perfectly honest I fool myself sometimes that you’re not really truly dead. Like today for example. And then I’ll think about you- something you said or did and I’ll have to stop and say okay he’s really gone, and he’s not coming back.

I’m sorry I haven’t been coming here regularly. I guess this is kind of like a gravesite of sorts.

The first year the flowers or rocks appear all the time and as more time passes the visits get less and less.

Is that the way it’s suppose to be?

It doesn’t seem like it’s been 20 months, sometimes it feels like 20 minutes and I can’t breathe.

Your brother – in – law is incoming…

Death

Hey Dad – By now I’m sure you heard the news that Uncle Charlie will be joining you wherever you are. I hope when you see him you can show him the ropes, introduce him to all the cool people, and help them reunite with those he loved.

I don’t know – it might be a little scary or overwhelming when your the new kid on the block, But if anyone can make him feel at home you can.

You’ve been on my mind a lot lately. Throughout my day I will often stop and think about how you might feel about what’s happening in the world – what kind of tomatoes I should plant- what it’s gonna feel like when we are empty-nesters and Nick goes off to college. What growing older is like and how to navigate all that.

Anyhow – – I hope the reunion with your brother-in-law was good. Everybody needs a friend.

I love you. #1