Category Archives: Death

I’m okay until someone asks “Are you okay?”

January 27, 2016Deathanxiety, Dad, Death, mompnwgirl1963

Today was the first day I didn’t wake up crying. It still really doesn’t seem real. And I think I’m going to be OK until someone calls, writes, or texts “Are you okay?” And I realize my dad is dead and I’m not OK.

I was trying to work today and became overwhelmed at a simple task. Bursting into tears I just went to the restroom and cried. I took my mother with me to pick up an item we needed and she had a dizzy spell so we called paramedics. They checked her all out and deemed her OK – anxious, stressed, and probably a little dehydrated. As I sat there waiting with her for help to arrive I felt sick inside and thought oh my God I’m going to lose my mother within the same month.

This is just all so screwed up. I know he was 79, I understand he was ill, but this wasn’t how I envisioned him dying.

New grief always triggers old grief

January 25, 2016Deathanniversaries, griefpnwgirl1963

Or something like that.

I had a pretty significant event happen 30 years ago. Each year that goes by I remember of course. Some years it bothers me more than others. Yesterday was the anniversary date and it was fresh like it happened yesterday.

He wasn’t a saint…

January 24, 2016Dad, DeathDad, Death, grief, grieving, reality, sainthood, saintspnwgirl1963

When people die a lot of the time they are remembered as saints. “Oh that Bill Smith, he was a saint, he was just a good guy perfect in every way.”

We know that’s not true. But really – are we going to stand around and say ” Yep, that Bill Smith was a son of a bitch, a real asshole.” Nope we induct regular people into the sainthood after death.

I’m going to really try not to do that with my dad or to my dad. I think he would have hated that phony bullshit.

The truth is I loved the guy deeply but Jesus Christ we had a very complicated (often with a lot conflict) relationship.

And he certainly wasn’t a saint. Not by a long shot.

He was a human being.

I want to have the ability to write these long flowery posts about my father. I’m not going to hold my breath.

I’ll just write it as it comes.

We toasted …

January 23, 2016Dad, Deathgrief, toast, whiskeypnwgirl1963

Tonight we had all my dads favorites and then we made a toast.

I felt like the air had been sucked out of the room…

How dare they go on about their business…

January 22, 2016Dad, Deathpnwgirl1963

Today it’s been three days. Three days since I learned my father died at 6:08 AM on January 20th, 2016

The obituary is complete. I hope I honored him well.

The funny thing is the world is continuing to revolve around us. I saw people today drinking their Starbucks coffee. And I thought to myself “how dare you enjoy your goddamn Starbucks coffee my father just died.”

The flowers keep coming and they’re beautiful. But one day the flowers will stop coming, The cards will stop coming, the visitors will stop coming, and everything for them will go back to normal.

Nothing will ever be normal for me ever again.

My dad is dead.