Tag Archives: anxiety

Day 746 but who’s counting.

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Dear Dad – I’m late in regards to writing to you, and for that I’m so sorry. I don’t even know if you read this, but in the off chance that you do place know I do think about you a lot. I just always voice it.

So much has happened over the past two years that it’s hard to keep straight and articulate.

Lots and lots of loss.

Loss of friendship, jobs, family members, opportunities, relationships, pride, health, control, confidence, and self respect to name a few. The list goes on and on and on.

I know that I am exhausted mentally and physically in regards to all of the loss. It’s been occurring since June 2015 – I don’t know how much more a family should have to suffer. And frankly, I’m afraid to even think about it because I don’t think I can bear one more thing.

Or- maybe, just maybe this is just the way it is, I’m just noticing it, and I need to suck it up because huge loss like this is just part of the world in which we live in.

I will say that two years out since you have departed planet earth things at least from my perspective have gotten a little easier. I still miss you horribly. But I don’t have that gut wrenching – oh my God – I don’t think I can get through another day pain that I did when you first died. It’s been replaced with a longing of sorts. Still wanting to make sure things are right between us but trusting you know that I loved you to the ends of the earth. And if the universe works like I think it might – you know my thoughts because you can feel them, and there is such a fine line that separates those of us walking the earth and those if us who have departed earth – I just can’t help but think you know how we feel inside about those we love.

Mom is doing really well – I’m really proud of her. She is thriving dad. She’s busy, she’s surrounded by her kids, and while she misses the hell out of you, I think she’s relatively happy. And that’s all we can ask for. Every day with her is a gift.

So dad- we are living life. I wish I could say we are living life to the full list but you know what – that’s our deal. And I’m working on it. And I love you. And please don’t ever forget that.

20 months. Is that even possible.

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Dad- I feel like an asshole. I promised myself and you that I’d write here regularly. I didn’t want to forget. I wanted to remember. But like most things in my life the idea is great but the follow through isn’t always fabulous. You know those good intentions.

If I’m being honest – perfectly honest I fool myself sometimes that you’re not really truly dead. Like today for example. And then I’ll think about you- something you said or did and I’ll have to stop and say okay he’s really gone, and he’s not coming back.

I’m sorry I haven’t been coming here regularly. I guess this is kind of like a gravesite of sorts.

The first year the flowers or rocks appear all the time and as more time passes the visits get less and less.

Is that the way it’s suppose to be?

It doesn’t seem like it’s been 20 months, sometimes it feels like 20 minutes and I can’t breathe.

I’m okay until someone asks “Are you okay?”

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Today was the first day I didn’t wake up crying. It still really doesn’t seem real. And I think I’m going to be OK until someone calls, writes, or texts “Are you okay?” And I realize my dad is dead and I’m not OK.

I was trying to work today and became overwhelmed at a simple task. Bursting into tears I just went to the restroom and cried. I took my mother with me to pick up an item we needed and she had a dizzy spell so we called paramedics. They checked her all out and deemed her OK – anxious, stressed, and probably a little dehydrated. As I sat there waiting with her for help to arrive I felt sick inside and thought oh my God I’m going to lose my mother within the same month.

This is just all so screwed up. I know he was 79, I understand he was ill, but this wasn’t how I envisioned him dying.