Tag Archives: grief

I see him everywhere.

February 2, 2016DeathDad, grief, losspnwgirl1963

I was at the doctors office today which is located in our local hospital – and I could’ve sworn I saw my father three different times walking off the elevator.

It still doesn’t seem real. I know it’s real. I have forgotten what he sounds like and that is just heart wrenching.

When I look at the date I can’t believe it’s been 12 days since he died. I made a promise that I would write in this journal every day and I haven’t kept his promise and I feel horrible. But some days I just can’t make it type for my brain think of the words because all I do is cry.

When the shit hits the fan you learn who your real friends are…

January 28, 2016DeathDeath, grief, supportpnwgirl1963

Part of me would like to rant. And the other part gets it. But what I’m learning is that those who I thought could or would weather anything with me just are not or cannot. And then people that I don’t know really well have become pillars of strength that have allowed me to lean on them and have become confidants.

New grief always triggers old grief

January 25, 2016Deathanniversaries, griefpnwgirl1963

Or something like that.

I had a pretty significant event happen 30 years ago. Each year that goes by I remember of course. Some years it bothers me more than others. Yesterday was the anniversary date and it was fresh like it happened yesterday.

He wasn’t a saint…

January 24, 2016Dad, DeathDad, Death, grief, grieving, reality, sainthood, saintspnwgirl1963

When people die a lot of the time they are remembered as saints. “Oh that Bill Smith, he was a saint, he was just a good guy perfect in every way.”

We know that’s not true. But really – are we going to stand around and say ” Yep, that Bill Smith was a son of a bitch, a real asshole.” Nope we induct regular people into the sainthood after death.

I’m going to really try not to do that with my dad or to my dad. I think he would have hated that phony bullshit.

The truth is I loved the guy deeply but Jesus Christ we had a very complicated (often with a lot conflict) relationship.

And he certainly wasn’t a saint. Not by a long shot.

He was a human being.

I want to have the ability to write these long flowery posts about my father. I’m not going to hold my breath.

I’ll just write it as it comes.