Tag Archives: love

I hope you had the best seat in the house in heaven.

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You would’ve loved it dad.  More importantly, you would love her.  We all love her.  She’s amazing.  She’s genuine.  She’s down to earth.   She’s funny.   She’s as beautiful as she is kind.  Speaking of kind -She’s kind, so very kind.   She loves mom, and she’s so good to mom.  She’s truly like a sister and that feels incredible.  It’s like she’s always been a part of our family – and a lot of the time I forget that you didn’t have the opportunity to meet her .  Most importantly, he loves her to the moon and back. They complete each other like two puzzle pieces, like peas and carrots, like bacon and eggs, like the ying and the yang.  I haven’t seen your boy this happy in decades.  There’s a sense of peace, tranquility –  they are truly soulmates.  Yes dad you would’ve loved it.

 

 

Day 746 but who’s counting.

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Dear Dad – I’m late in regards to writing to you, and for that I’m so sorry. I don’t even know if you read this, but in the off chance that you do place know I do think about you a lot. I just always voice it.

So much has happened over the past two years that it’s hard to keep straight and articulate.

Lots and lots of loss.

Loss of friendship, jobs, family members, opportunities, relationships, pride, health, control, confidence, and self respect to name a few. The list goes on and on and on.

I know that I am exhausted mentally and physically in regards to all of the loss. It’s been occurring since June 2015 – I don’t know how much more a family should have to suffer. And frankly, I’m afraid to even think about it because I don’t think I can bear one more thing.

Or- maybe, just maybe this is just the way it is, I’m just noticing it, and I need to suck it up because huge loss like this is just part of the world in which we live in.

I will say that two years out since you have departed planet earth things at least from my perspective have gotten a little easier. I still miss you horribly. But I don’t have that gut wrenching – oh my God – I don’t think I can get through another day pain that I did when you first died. It’s been replaced with a longing of sorts. Still wanting to make sure things are right between us but trusting you know that I loved you to the ends of the earth. And if the universe works like I think it might – you know my thoughts because you can feel them, and there is such a fine line that separates those of us walking the earth and those if us who have departed earth – I just can’t help but think you know how we feel inside about those we love.

Mom is doing really well – I’m really proud of her. She is thriving dad. She’s busy, she’s surrounded by her kids, and while she misses the hell out of you, I think she’s relatively happy. And that’s all we can ask for. Every day with her is a gift.

So dad- we are living life. I wish I could say we are living life to the full list but you know what – that’s our deal. And I’m working on it. And I love you. And please don’t ever forget that.

If your dad died…

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If your dad died I just want to say to you I’m just so sorry. Really I am but the truth is there are no good words that are going to help you right now or bring you comfort, because frankly regardless of what kind of relationship you had with your dad – when your father dies it just fucking sucks.

My dad died January 20th, 2016. We knew this day would come we just didn’t expect it to be that soon I guess – but really are you ever prepared for the death of a parent? I know I wasn’t.

I used to think that moving into your own place, buying your first car, getting married, having a child, your first job – all of those things are all about being a grown-up. However, I don’t really think I became a true grown up until I lost a parent. I had so many what the fuck moments after my dad died that it’s impossible to keep track of all of them now.

My father‘s death was complicated. Maybe not so much for him – I believe he died very peacefully without struggle. At least I was told he didn’t appear to have struggled, and looked very peaceful in death.

For me what was complicated was that I don’t feel like everything that needed to be said was in fact said. I think that when I reflect upon his death there were a lot of things that were left unsaid. And I hope he’s not struggling with that piece of this like I am.

So what am I left with now? He’s dead and there’s not a goddamn thing I can do about it. I just hope wherever he is he is at peace, he’s happy, and loving himself.

Life goes on for those who are left and what’s my blowing is how fast the time goes by at least for me – I can’t speak for my mom or my siblings.

There are things that I’m starting to forget which makes me very sad – like the way he sounded when he said my name. Or the way he used to call me number one from Star Trek. The way he smelled – he was old school and he wore aqua Velva and in the days that he smoked the combination of aqua Velva and cigarette smoke with just so my dad.

Our family is very different now – I wouldn’t have admitted it or year ago but now that we are going on your two I feel comfortable in saying that our family dud not disintegrate, fall apart, or become disenfranchised. We have all come together as a solid unit cleaving to one another and it’s been incredible.

I sometimes wonder if my dad is sad about that. And I hope he’s not.

But if your dad has died today again I’m really sorry and I’m just gonna prepare you for some really sad days ahead – lots of time for reflection – a lot of tears on those first birthdays, holidays and other important days that you will be remembering your dad on. But I’m going to tell you there is another side to this – and you’ll get to it. It does get better – you’ll always remember him regardless if he was the son of a bitch or not – but he was still your dad. And it’s really OK to love and miss him.

20 months. Is that even possible.

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Dad- I feel like an asshole. I promised myself and you that I’d write here regularly. I didn’t want to forget. I wanted to remember. But like most things in my life the idea is great but the follow through isn’t always fabulous. You know those good intentions.

If I’m being honest – perfectly honest I fool myself sometimes that you’re not really truly dead. Like today for example. And then I’ll think about you- something you said or did and I’ll have to stop and say okay he’s really gone, and he’s not coming back.

I’m sorry I haven’t been coming here regularly. I guess this is kind of like a gravesite of sorts.

The first year the flowers or rocks appear all the time and as more time passes the visits get less and less.

Is that the way it’s suppose to be?

It doesn’t seem like it’s been 20 months, sometimes it feels like 20 minutes and I can’t breathe.

It’s weird – now when I encounter the elderly….

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I wonder how much longer they’ve got on planet earth.

I want to hear all of their stories, soak up all of their wisdom, and just be present with them in that moment.

I wonder if they have a family.

I wonder if they have any friends left.

I wonder if they love their family and if their family loves them.

I wonder if they’re healthy or if they’re sick.

I wonder if they realize they are on borrowed time.

  

When your dad dies and things are complicated

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It’s no secret that my father was a complex and complicated man. The guy struggled throughout his entire life thinking he wasn’t accepted or loved when the reality was he was incredibly loved — if he would allow it.

That’s the thing – he didn’t allow many to love him on their terms.  And the reason I know that is I’m just like him in that respect and it’s been a struggle of mine for the past 52 years. I want people to love me on my terms, but that’s not the way the world works.  People love, and often they love differently than yourself.

People love how they know how to love.  Some people are of few words and show their love through their deeds or in small ways that aren’t obvious.  Other people express their love through their words and what they say or what they do – and it’s obvious, while there are still others who are loud and proud and demonstrate their love for the world and those around them very loudly — and then there are those who say nary a word but love deeply because it’s just how they are.

My dad in his later years would say “I love you” and I loved hearing that from my old man.  But he never said he was proud of me and goddammit I sure tried to gain his acceptance and approval my entire life.

So when he died for me it was complicated.  He didn’t die angry with me and that was a huge relief because I was on his shit list a lot — I was the first born, the most like him, very vocal and pushed back a lot.  Just ask my mom – my middle name was  “I was a handful”.  I knew when he died he loved me, fiercely.  I was his #1 kid, and with that comes a deep impact that no other kids coming after we first borns will ever experience.

We are the first for our parents to love, be angry at, make mistakes with, watch leave the nest, and fuck up.  It just goes with the territory.

My worry and something that still haunts me is if he knew I loved him. And Jesus Christ I did love that guy to the moon and back.  I just hope wherever he is up there somewhere that he can feel the love I have for him, his spirit and his memory.

I will never forget him or that.