For whatever reason my father didn’t have a funeral or memorial. In his younger years he used to talk about having a funeral but as he got older, and I think watching those around him, attending a few of his friends funerals, and many long discussions with my mom he just said to hell with it. So, he did not have a viewing, no memorial, no funeral and he was cremated. His ashes have been returned to my mom and that’s that.

This created a problem for me. I wasn’t there when he died. I didn’t get to see his body after he died. There was no wake, there was no ritual. And I have come to the closest person that thrives on rituals. Isn’t that weird what you discover yourself during a life-changing event?

So, while I respect his last wishes a lot about his death left me with many unanswered questions. Many circles were not closed for me. In essence, I really didn’t have any closure- if there is such a thing.

Each year, I go to a place in my city called the Grotto.  This place is actually The National Sanctuary of our Sorrowful Mother, popularly known as The Grotto. It’s a Roman Catholic outdoor shrine and sanctuary located in the Madison South district of Portland, Oregon, United States.  The cool part about it is it doesn’t matter what faith you are is just a very cool place to go and sit, reflect and think. 

It’s extraordinarily peaceful.

I go each year and light a candle for my brother-in-law who was tragically lost his life in a car accident many years ago when he was 17. I didn’t know him unfortunately, so when I began dating his brother, who is now my husband, I began to think about ways of honoring his memory. When I learned about the grotto, after the first time I visited and saw that you could light a candle in memory of a loved one I begin lighting a candle and saying a silent prayer every time I visited.

It’s no secret I’ve been having a really hard time. I have begun grief therapy. I started this blog to journal about my feelings. But there’s just something missing other than the fact that my dad is dead and he’s never coming back. I knew that I was struggling with the fact that there was no closure but I couldn’t figure out how to fix that. 

And then yesterday happened.

Typically, we go to the grotto around Christmas time. This year we didn’t have that opportunity because my dad was really sick and it was a bad time, and we just didn’t get the time to go. So yesterday after lunch my husband said Hey, why don’t we go out to the grotto today, I know you want to look for something for my mom because it’s her birthday and why don’t we just go.” So we did, and I said “We should light a candle for your brother.”  We all agreed upon that and then there was this silence. It wasn’t awkward we were all just quiet. Like they were waiting for me to say something.

After a minute or two it dawned on me that I could get some sort of closure here at the grotto. My eyes became wet and the tears just silently fell down my face as I stood by my husband who took my hand and I figured out what I wanted to do. I asked the boys if they would get me not one candle but two candles. And they nodded and said of course we will.

I lit the candle and placed it in the holder and felt the first start of closure.

Here’s remembering you dad. I love you.